The Deep Sting of Rejection

Rejection is an inevitable aspect of the human experience–it happens to all of us, most likely multiple times throughout our lives. But this inevitability does not lessen its impact. Indeed, rejection can be profoundly distressing. Whether it’s a romantic breakup, exclusion from a social group, being cut off from a family member or friend, or a professional setback, the pain of rejection often feels acute and deeply personal.

The Evolutionary Basis of Social Pain

Why does rejection hurt so much? Psychological and neurological research offer insights into the underlying mechanisms that make rejection such a powerful emotional experience. From an evolutionary perspective, humans have always been inherently social creatures Our survival has historically depended on group cohesion and cooperation. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that being part of a group was essential for accessing resources, protection, and mating opportunities. This meant that social rejection posed a significant threat to our very survival. As we evolved, humans developed a sensitivity to social rejection in order to curb behaviors that could lead to exclusion, making the experience of being ostracized particularly painful. This sensitivity ensured individuals remained connected to their social groups, thereby enhancing their chances of survival. Theorists believe that this survival mechanism is still at-play today.

Neurological Overlap Between Physical and Social Pain

Furthermore, the brain processes social pain similarly to physical pain. Research utilizing functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) has revealed that areas activated during physical pain, such as the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC), are also engaged when individuals experience social exclusion. This neural overlap suggests that our brains interpret social rejection in a manner akin to physical injury, which may explain the intense discomfort associated with being rejected and further bolsters the theory that we are wired to avoid rejection.

Psychological Consequences of Rejection

All of this adds up to the deep pain we feel when rejected. Indeed, the emotional aftermath of rejection is often multifaceted. Studies have shown that social rejection can lead to increased feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness. It can lead to feelings of shame (even if undeserved), perseverative thinking (running the experience over and over in our minds), and lower risk taking (to avoid rejection in the future). Moreover, it can impair cognitive functioning, reducing performance on complex intellectual tasks and contributing to aggression and antisocial behavior. Additionally, it can re-awaken experiences of rejection from the past–especially rejections that were experienced as traumatic — enlivening the old pain on top of the new.

Rejection Sensitivity: Heightened Perception of Social Exclusion

Some individuals exhibit a heightened sensitivity to rejection, known as rejection sensitivity. This condition involves anxiously expecting, readily perceiving, and intensely reacting to rejection. People with high rejection sensitivity may misinterpret ambiguous social cues as signs of impending rejection, leading to defensive or retaliatory behaviors. This heightened perception can strain relationships and exacerbate feelings of isolation. Rejection sensitivity can further exacerbate the painful effects of rejection and the desire to avoid the possibility.

Coping with the Pain of Rejection

All of this adds up to the profound impact of rejection, and underscores its significance in our psychological well-being. However, while rejection is painful, there are strategies that can lessen its impact:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings. Recognize and accept the emotions that arise from rejection. Suppressing these feelings can prolong distress. Let yourself feel sad, hurt, and angry–feeling the feelings will allow them to pass and help you move forward.
2. Reframe the Experience. Instead of personalizing the rejection, consider external factors that may have contributed. This perspective can reduce self-blame and is very important. There may be lessons for you to learn about yourself from a rejection experience, but often some, if not most, of the rejection is not actually about you. It’s about the other person or people. Seeing this clearly can help mitigate the sting.
3. Avoid Perseveration. After you’ve felt your feelings and effectively reframed/understand the experience, try not to spend too much time thinking about it. Overthinking it or trying to rewrite it again and again can keep you from moving forward with your life. Try to focus on things you can control–what you’ve learned and what you want to do next. Allow for feelings when they resurface, but don’t allow yourself to start obsessively thinking about it again. Use your mind for acceptance and on activities you can control, versus those you can’t.
4. Learn the Lessons. While we don’t want to overthink it, moving forward from painful experiences such as rejection can be helped by gleaning lessons from these experiences. Ask yourself forward-facing questions such as: What have I learned about relationships, work, or social situations? What did I learn about myself? Helpful lessons can assist us in feeling we can walk forward into the next phase of our life with gains from the painful experience, and feel safer to take risks again with our newfound knowledge.
5. Seek Support. Connecting with friends, family, a therapist, or support groups can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation. Most of us can be reassured by others in our life that we are okay and will continue to be in spite of this painful experience. We are still loved and accepted. Others can also help us make sense of what happened and help us feel we can step forward with newfound knowledge.
6. Engage in Self-Care. Activities that promote well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or pursuing hobbies, can bolster resilience against the negative effects of rejection. These are activities you can fall back on when you need it, and ground you in the feeling that you will survive the rejection and, ultimately, be okay.

In spite of its inevitability as a part of the human experience, rejection can be profoundly painful. Understanding the impact (and why it’s so profound) can be helpful when navigating it, and employing effective coping mechanisms can help you move forward in your life in a positive way. Ultimately, even the most painful rejections can foster personal growth and emotional resilience.