But ultimately that is defensiveness. If someone we love is hurt by something we say, we may feel defensive and come up with all sorts of intellectual justifications (to avoid the shame of having "done something wrong") but being loving means we put that shit aside and sit down with the person we love and work to understand why it was hurtful. To really get it.

I think its healthy that you dont see her as a bad person and you even have compassion for her, but there are also ways that you make excuses for her and that doesnt allow you to have healthy boundaries and expectations. Its difficult to imagine that hasnt been part of your marriage for a while... and is an issue of yours well worth working on...