Are We Really Feeling What We Think We’re Feeling?

Samantha Stein
3 min readJun 19, 2024
Samantha Stein

When we have feelings, we often think of them simply as emotions we’re having: I feel angry so I’m angry. I feel anxious so I must be anxious. However, what we feel is sometimes not that simple–the feelings we have can either be primary or secondary, and that difference is important.

A primary emotion is how a situation actually makes us feel–someone says something unkind and we feel hurt or sad. A secondary emotion is a feeling we have as a reaction to a primary emotion because the primary feeling is uncomfortable. For example, commonly when people feel hurt they aren’t aware of feeling hurt because the secondary emotion of anger kicks in quickly, so they feel angry. This is because feeling hurt is vulnerable, and vulnerability can often be scary or feel unsafe because of the situation or because of past history. So instead of staying with the feeling of hurt, the secondary emotion of anger will kick in. The upside of feeling the anger instead is feeling more powerful and safe. The downside is that the original feelings–the hurt–often don’t end up getting addressed.

Another common secondary emotion is anxiety. Of course, we can feel anxiety as primary–we are nervous about an upcoming event or fearful of something dangerous. But often it’s secondary–we feel angry, sad, hurt, embarrassed, jealous, or disappointed but those feelings…

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Samantha Stein

I’m a writer, photographer, and psychologist who (monthly) explores self, relationships, and mental health in an ever-changing world.